Watching the dogs for my parent’s this weekend. Sitting here getting this word count in and Billy Joel shuffling on Alexa. It’s nice to write somewhere else other than home right now. Just wish I could do it all night…
Is this end to another friendship gone awry? I am tired of being the one to cause an issue, but I can’t let myself feel walked on. I just want to real people in my life. I want people I can be there for that will do the same in return.
In other news, my mental health is still declining. I fight it every day to no avail. I have been missing school and that makes feel even worse. I want to be there for my classes so I can do well on my assignments. It’s a hard choice to make when you’re to mentally exhausted to feel safe behind the wheel of a car, but it’s too far a drive to find help getting there.
Hopefully, there is light at the end of the tunnel I am in.
My life is a low hum. Constantly continuing, but never rising and falling.
My mental health on the other hand is a rollercoaster with turns, loops, ups and downs. It gives you the churning feeling in your gut as you make the ascension and the urge to scream while you fall.
My life here is Missouri is so different than my old life in Illinois. Most days I want to go back, but only to the good parts. I miss my family and my friends.
My days mix together and I can’t find a way to smooth out this rollercoaster that my life is becoming. It’s like a dance and a sleep all at once.
I have officially started the semester. Sitting at the school between classes right now. I am more excited than I anticipated. I believe my classes are going to be good this year. I only hope the online setting is just as “rewarding” as the in class settings. I worry about not having class time with my teachers may effect some of my work.
I got to see my friend for the first time since the summer started. We became friends last semester. We are in the same program and she helps me out a lot. I am thankful to have found her.
I have been having an okay day. Had coffee with my neighbor this morning and we talked and laughed. She is joining me for dinner tomorrow night for my birthday. I am glad to have company.
I think it’s time for bed. I took my new meds and don’t seem to be having an immediate reaction to them. I hope to get some rest before my work week starts tomorrow. But, I did get some good news. After the upcoming schedule, I will be working all thirds instead of two thirds and one 5 to 10. I will definitely like this schedule better depending on my days off.
Well, I saw the doctor for my follow up today. They are not suspecting seizures anymore – yay – and they are mostly certain it is not MS. They are taking me back off the Vimpat and the Gabapentin. By the 13th I will be on Lyrica and Zonisamide instead. They believe my attacks and symptoms are silent migraines. They are hoping that the new meds treat both those and my fibromyalgia better. I started the Zonisamide tonight and I stop the Vimpat in a week and stop the Gabapentin + start the Lyrica in two weeks. They are stopping both of them cold turkey. I hope that they are right and this does not cause a seizure. I am worried of having a stronger or a convulsive seizure next.
It had been such a long road with my medical issues. I have been fighting my own body since I was 13. I am worried that if I don’t get even a half answer soon I am going to get too overwhelmed. If I let these things get me down I will stop living and I don’t want to do that. Now, I wouldn’t hurt myself or end my own life – please don’t think that, but I am to the point of giving up. Giving up work and school and everything because I am just so damn tired.